My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
