Plan B is the new Plan A
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Randomize
