If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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