Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
