...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
smell my finger.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
