i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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