I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
