it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
