Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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