He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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