you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
