I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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