i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize