I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
