You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
