I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
