I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
