he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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