Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
