I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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