Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
