My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
