i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
