I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
