The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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