return my video game
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
