The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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