Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
