census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
