I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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