So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i think i just lost a toe
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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