My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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