i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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