its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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