how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
