Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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