omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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