please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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