This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
