oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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