hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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