Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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