For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
