When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
