my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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