i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
