I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They took my balls.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
