first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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