Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
