Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
