Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
