My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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