We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
