Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
