checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
