but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
