so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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