I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
