I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
