someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
